Johnny Kitties: Celebrating Johnny Depp Film #2--Private Resort (1985)

[What is Johnny Kitties? See Johnny Kitties: Celebrating Johnny Depp for all the details!]

©Columbia/
Tristar Studios

Johnny Depp actually survived A Nightmare on Elm Street and next signed up for a teen sex comedy called Private Resort. (Hard to believe, I know.) I feel as though every actor in the United States was in one of these movies back in the ‘80s, and I’m sure they are all a bit haunted by them.

I had hope for this one, though.  Not just because of Johnny's involvement, but his costars included Rob Morrow of "Northern Exposure" fame and—more impressive--Hector Elizondo, who’s in hundreds of good movies and TV shows. On the other hand, Andrew “Dice” Clay is also in it.

Johnny as Jack
©Columbia/
Tristar Studios 

You can probably guess from the title that this movie is about teenage boys on the prowl in a sunny vacation spot. In this case, it’s Miami. Johnny plays Jack, who spends all his time checking out the ladies in skimpy bikinis. Ben (Rob Morrow), his shy best friend, meets a sweet waitress, with whom love blossom. In the meantime, The Maestro--a jewel thief played by Hector Elizondo--is after a diamond necklace worn by of wealthy old lady, who has hidden kung fu talents. As you can imagine, chaos ensues.

Private Resort isn’t a shining moment in Johnny’s career, but it was a job that helped him pay the rent. Back then, his heart was all about music.  As he put it, “At the time, they could have said, ‘Listen, we’re gonna strap Dom Deluise to your back and you’re gonna climb this building,’ and I said, ‘Fine.’”

For me, there are too many boobs and bums in this movie, but it’s not the worst I’ve seen. This is a batty comedy, but it actually has some good slapstick moments. And there's Johnny--so young and so pretty....There are worse ways to spend 82 minutes.

All the Kitties wanted to be in this tribute because it meant a fun day in the sun. We decided to highlight the ensemble cast of crazy characters, lounging by the pool. We had to add some "extras" because there are too many of them, but The Kitties had first dibs on who they wanted to be. 

Here, Jack spots his latest conquest lounging on a float, and Ben (Comet) notices the cute waitress (Ashes, of course). Norman was the only one willing to play The Maestro because no one wanted to shave their shiny coats. (In the movie, Ben gives him an unfortunate haircut.) The Mother Kitty had the seniority to demand the part of the diamond-wearing socialite, but really she just wanted an excuse to do some kung fu fighting. Everyone agreed that Simon was perfect to play the 8-year-old kid on the loose in the resort, but they were all envious of B.J. who scored the role of the punk. (They may not have wanted to cut their hair, but they like the spikes!) 

And, yes, there is a girl who wears a turban throughout this movie, and she's very attached to that flowerpot. I said this movie was batty, right?  

Stay tuned for next month's Slow Burn!